clinical brain atrophy
happy 3:45pm
the days proceed as normal and nothing is really out of the ordinary. there’s something that feels so uncanny about time drifting as intended and i’m getting closer and closer to my 21st birthday
what is a birthday really other than to dissociate about the fact you didn’t die at 18 like intended anyway. although i’ve found myself oddly excited about my 21st and i don’t think there will be any change but I still have something to say for myself after the past year or so
i’m struggling with the concept of the fact I can be “happy” again. In this strange anhedonic-hazed world i’ve made for myself i didn’t think it’d ever be possible. I spend a lot of time thinking about it. How complex is the brain that after escaping you want to be trapped right back in the birdcage?
It’s strange to acknowledge I don’t really want to die anymore or there’s nothing really pushing me to it other than resurfacing pain. I have goals and things I want to do. i have some semblance of self and my reflection is not entirely shattered
this is probably the best edition of myself in a very long time. It only took a decade! All my defected clones had to be recalled so my apologies for all the trouble they caused finding their way home.
I’m not even a person anymore so it’s not the greatest but I’m not carving into myself to show my insides to whoever would bother looking. My very own snuffshow of brain deterioration.
My brain’s neuroplasticity works on overtime and i think i’m finding my way in the world again
The catalyst to self acceptance is misery